Friday, September 11, 2009

Random Thoughts

Just a little warning before you read this blog. First, it's long. Second, I usually I do not use my blog as a personal journal entry, which there is nothing wrong with, it's more for my family and friends who I never see, so they can get a glimpse of my life, whenever I happen to post, but life has definitely been riddled with ups and downs lately. And so, beware that the following is a little personal because I'm looking for an outlook for my thoughts. My husband is a super great journal keeper. Me? If scrapbooking counts, then I'm okay. Just bear with me.

My dad always says, "The Lord will not push us beyond what we are able to handle. He may push us to the edge, but he will not push us beyond." I've been thinking about this a lot lately and feel a little like I'm about to fall over that edge. I'm going to be super vague and probably all over the place, but maybe that is so you can relate to what I'm saying and be able to feel uplifted by my ramblings, or maybe it will just help me with my struggles.

I was reading my scriptures this morning and came across a saying by Pres. Faust. "In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd." Unfortunately, that is so true for me. I know when my life is going great and there seems to be no problems or needs, my prayers get more repetitious and my faith just floats stagnant. I walk through life doing the things I always do and I'm okay.

However, disappointment comes knocking sometimes, whether it is self-inflicted disappointment or disappointment caused through other's agency, but it does come. I have struggled with different things in my life: death, self worth, finances and infertility, but I know that I am blessed. This too shall pass .... isn't that the saying? It always passes and we are always stronger. Our prayers get more sincere, our faith is strengthened, even when we want to give up and say "I'm done, no more."

I remember at times in my life when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, especially with our adoption situation, that I would just get on my knees and plead with Heavenly Father to help me and my husband get through it. Sometimes life is hard and sometimes you just want to cry. For me, sometimes I just can't cry and I stuff all the emotion into this little bottle in my stomach that one of these days will explode. Regardless of my struggles and my choices, I've always kept to my faith. I might not have been the stellar exemplar of Mormonism, but I always had my testimony.

My heart has recently suffered knowing that people give up. Life tests you and sends trials your way and people give up. People stop trying and people lose their faith. It breaks my heart because what we have to lose is such a high price to pay. People you thought could withstand trial and tragedy, choose other paths. I know there is free agency, but it still makes me so sad. Friends are divorcing, family is struggling, people are walking away from the church and it just stinks. I think, "Could I have done something to be a better friend, to encourage more, to show my love to them that would have helped divert their choice?" I don't know. What makes people make the choices that they make? What makes people choose to walk away? Why are we given the trials that we have been given? I do not have the answers. I know that we've been promised that ..."he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven." Life is a struggle right now and it would be easy to give up. All in one week the pump on the well goes out, the washer is leaking and the checkbook ... well, it's leaking too because it seems like there's hardly anything in it ;) But, you figure it out. You make it work. People are thrown curve balls in life and you deal with it: injury, death, job loss, financial hardship and a lot of other hard things. Life is hard. Who better to be our example of enduring tribulation? The Savior. Elder Marion Romney said: "All who are being tried in the crucible of adversity and affliction: Take courage; revive your spirits and strengthen your faith. In these lessons so impressively taught in precept and example by our great exemplar, Jesus Christ, and his Prophet of the restoration, Joseph Smith, we have ample inspiration for comfort and hope." We can do it. We are here to help each other, build each other up and make it back together where we are all supposed to be.

I was asked to teach Relief Society this Sunday.... and no, this isn't my lesson and I apologize if it sounded like one, but it was interesting for me to look at the lesson and find that it is on True Friendship. I just want to say that I love all my friends. I have so many good ones, ones that I see often, some that I hardly ever see and that doesn't matter because when we visit it as if we pick up right where we left off. Friends that I've recently reconnected with, old roommates, RS sisters, visiting teachers and some of my best friends are ones that I'm related to. I have great sisters, great sisters-in-law, great cousins-in-law, a great mother-in-law, people that I know I had a relationship with before I came to earth. To all of you, I'm grateful. Life does stink sometimes and sometimes it's not because of things that we do, sometimes it's because of what others do, but we can do it!! We're here to make it together and to love each other. Thanks for being my friend.

For me, the thing that helps me focus, the things that make it worth it is this........

We're trying to grow our little family and disappointment creeps in there as well. Things get lost, policies change and even fingerprints get returned due to lack of readability or something like that. My good friend asked me, "How does this happen to you guys?" My answer...."It's just our trial." This is what it's for. My wonderful husband whose testimony never wavers even when he comes in from a late scout meeting and I tell him the washer is leaking; even when I tell him at 5:00 in the morning when I'm trying to brush my teeth to go teach my early aerobics class that the water isn't working and there must be something wrong with the well pump; even when the economy throws a wrench into our savings, this is what's it all about. The blessing of a little boy that climbs into bed with you and says.... "Mom, I love you in the whole wild [world]"; A little boy that says "Good grief" when he spills the dog food while he's doing his morning chores; A little boy that thinks Tom's car is "amazing"' A little boy who says "I'm drinking my spit" during the family prayer at a funeral; a little boy that says, "Mom, we don't say stupid" (oops); a little boy that expresses his feelings about life with words like, "fantastic", "awesome" and "good job putting that puzzle piece there, Mom"; a little boy who helps me clean the toilets, dust the house and loves to help water the trees. Even when he helps me sweep and I'm sweeping that last little bit of dirt into the dust pan he says, "Thanks for letting me help with the sweeping, Mom." A little boy that has blessed my life beyond measure. This is what it's all about. Thanks for listening, thanks for understanding and thanks for being my friend.